confessions of a gestational carrier

20 weeks…

Halfway! EEEEK! I’m shocked at the number of people- women and men- who are brave enough to comment on me being pregnant. Clearly these folks have never asked someone who is NOT actually pregnant (a mistake you only make once, believe me). Of course, once it is determined I am indeed pregnant (far more obvious now), the typical questions follow. When are you due? March 5th. Do you know what you are having? A girl. [Cue requisite, gushing ‘CONGRATS!’] Then: Is that what you wanted? Errrrrr…. Houston, we have a problem. So now do I a) match their excitement, graciously say ‘thank you,’ and continue on with my business, or b) decide to have a little fun, still say ‘thank you,’ and then drop the bomb that the wee one I am growing is not mine?

There is no simple answer here; no answer I use every time. One thing I’ve learned from doing this twice now is that the average person only hears what they want to anyway…And rarely do they actually care about your answer or listen to the entire thing, so why bother with a detailed one? Most often, I just say ‘thank you.’ On the occasions I reply that the baby is not mine, I answer a handful of questions and go on about my day. It is easiest to allow people I will not likely see again to believe the baby is mine to avoid unnecessary, uncomfortable interactions.

Where it becomes tricky, though, is when the person is a ‘regular’, familiar stranger- the kids’ teachers, their friends’ parents, the wait staff at my favorite restaurants, folks at the gym. These are people who will know I was pregnant, realize I gave birth, and notice there is no baby on my hip. With these folks I tend to explain, because answering a few questions up front is much better than confusion and speculation after the fact. Like I said, though, some people don’t listen to the entire answer. When I was pregnant with the twins, I visited one restaurant in particular every week. Many times I explained to the waitress that the baby was not mine. Many times after I delivered she asked me where the baby was while I was out to supper. Eventually I just started making up fun answers.

At the end of the day, I honestly find it easier to share my story with strangers than with people I know. I’ve always been nervous that people will judge, but with someone I don’t know, that judgement only lasts as long as our encounter. I don’t have to listen to their negative opinions and misgivings- should they have any- once we are done talking. And I firmly believe that babies should be celebrated, however they come into the world. The time leading up to their Earthly entrance should be filled with warmth, hope, and positive vibes. That being said, the journey through this pregnancy, and sharing it with you, the electronic world, has been met with nothing but positivity and well wishes. So I will continue to share for as long as you stay tuned while my family grows another…

19 weeks…

Evidently I am really good at getting/being pregnant, but terrible at guessing gender! I was 100% sure that baby Bryo (short for ’embryo’) is a boy…And I have never been more happy to be wrong! This family wanted a baby girl so badly, and a baby girl is what they will get…February 28th to be exact!

Last Tuesday was incredibly exciting! I got out of bed in the BEST mood, fed my 5 pups, showered, got my kids up and around, lunches made…Your typical school-day morning, except it was also ULTRASOUND DAYYYYYYY! On the way to school, the kids and I discussed (again) whether we thought the baby was a boy or girl (we all said boy). I dropped them each off and rushed (safely, and within the speed limits, of course) across town to my appointment…And arrived to find out I was an hour early. Oops. Better early than late, I suppose.

Luckily for me someone else was late to their appointment, so I was called back early. It is always fun to see the tech- Dave- at my OB office, because we have an easygoing relationship after the last 14+ years of him scanning my pregnancies. From Lillian, to Julian (my kids), to the twins, and now this baby, he has been my guy. We also discussed gender guesses and why (a boy because I feel like I am carrying just like I did with Julian), and he laughed like he does at everything I say because he thinks I am ridiculous.

We got the intended parents on the phone, did introductions, and got down to business. Though they wanted a girl (and truly would have been beyond happy either way), one of them guessed pink, and the other blue. Dave began taking measurements of the important parts that determine size, health, and development (femur, head, belly, etc), and attempted multiple times to check gender…But the baby had its legs scrunched up tight. Multiple attempts to wake her and annoy her enough to move them failed. So we listened to her heartbeat and the parents heard it ‘live’ for the first time!

Then Dave looked at me and said, ‘I see 2 legs, but not 3.’ Took me a minute…Me: ‘Wait! It’s a GIRL?!’ Him: ‘Yes.’ [with a huge smile] The intended parents didn’t hear him, so I got to relay the wonderful message! After YEARS of attempts, happily getting hopes up and sadly being let down, they were finally able to cry HAPPY tears, because they are having their very own baby G I R L. At every milestone- positive pregnancy test, verification of pregnancy via ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat on the Doppler, and now learning the baby’s gender- I have thought it was our best, most exciting day. It is so rewarding to get to share each of these moments with them, and in turn with you. So many more best days to come while their journey continues. Be sure to stay tuned while my family grows another…

18 weeks…

Y’all, this morning I am headed to the doctor for my monthly visit and 18 week ultrasound…Eeeeek! For most women/couples, this is the long-awaited appointment where they (can, baby willing) find out the gender of their wee one. Gender reveal, anyone? This is not entirely different when you carry a baby for someone else, though if and how the gender is found out is then a discussion between the carrier and the intended parents, with the final decision obviously made by the intended parents. So what are the options for finding out?

In some cases, genetic testing is done on the embryos prior to transfer. So in addition to the normal grades of the embryos, the clinic also knows if there are certain genetic markers, as well as the genders of each embryo. Now we have a dilemma…The intended parents can actually select (a la Kim K & Chrissy Teigen). If they opt not to, they can ask the clinic at any time, find out via regular ultrasound, or not at all. Many families find out the gender via ultrasound between 18 and 20 weeks if the baby cooperates. When I was pregnant with the twins I previously carried, their dads came to my ultrasound and we all found out together. Prior to the appointment, we each gave our best guesses, annnnnnnd…two boys for the win.

Keeping it secret from the gestational carrier (GC) or intended parents (IP) is also an option. The GC could find out via ultrasound and use the info to help surprise the IP and family/friends at a gender reveal. Or, the IP could find out privately from the ultrasound tech and surprise everyone!

Then there is the good old fashioned method of being surprised at delivery…not for the feint of heart. This option is fantastic for those who like to live on the edge. Just make sure you communicate your intentions with your ultrasound tech so there are no accidental slip-ups.

In a few short hours, this couple will join me remotely to find out if they should think pink or blue for their miracle baby. They insisted we find out together because they think it is only logical and fitting with us truly in ‘this‘ together. I am so lucky that they include me in every step of their journey, because they certainly do not have to. And I am glad to include all of you, so stay tuned while my family grows another….

17 weeks…

For anyone who has ever struggled with fertility or the loss of a pregnancy, you know it feels like you are fighting an uphill battle. I’ve been there myself. Charting your cycle (fertile days, next cycle start, etc), taking your temperature, attempting to lose weight, attempting to gain weight, blood tests, ovulation tests, fertility tests, ultrasounds, sperm counts, quitting smoking, soda and beer, laying with your legs up on the wall after sex… No stone goes unturned. No test goes unran. No doctor’s advice goes unheeded. No wives tale goes unfollowed. And don’t even get me started on the requests for prayers, good vibes and positive juju, crossing fingers and toes, wishing on stars, eyelashes and birthday candles…All for that one little plus sign. Or not. Or maybe the pregnancy took…until it didn’t. The emotional rollercoaster feels unbearable and hopeless. And then you are told what you have dreaded hearing and have stayed up nights about: You cannot have children; it is time to explore other options (adoption, gestational carrier, surrogate)…But those options aren’t without highs and lows of their own…

With the first family I carried for, I signed up for three transfers. After weeks of shots, oral meds, suppositories, blood tests, and lining checks, I was pregnant; they were expecting. Unfortunately, while in the 1st trimester, I started bleeding badly and went in for daily ultrasounds. It was determined that the baby wasn’t growing- I was losing the pregnancy- and we had a decision to make: abort or allow nature to take its course. The dads decided to leave it up to me, and I opted to allow it to happen on its own. I did this for two reasons. First, if there was even a remote chance the doctor was wrong, I wanted the baby to have a fair shot. Second, I did not want to chance any damage a DNC could cause, as I had never had one before and didn’t know what to expect. So I went to work and within a couple of days, I miscarried in the public restroom at my office. It was traumatizing, but though I was hurting and sad, the loss was not mine per se…and I was devastated for the intended parents. Despite my best efforts, I felt like a failure.

Back to square one we went. I had to heal, wait for my period to come, a new egg donor was found, and I started over with the med protocol. Again with the shots, oral meds, suppositories, blood tests, and lining checks. Weeks of poking, prodding, and waiting. The waiting was always the worst (patience is not my strong suit). We were all so antsy. Tick tock, tick tock. The donor was triggered for egg retrieval. It seemed like I waited an eternity the day I was supposed to get word on the number of embryos that were created. Tick tock, tick tock. Nothing. I emailed the dads and waited some more. Finally I got word that there were no viable eggs. The second cycle was cancelled.

They say the third time’s a charm, right? We started over. Again. Another new donor, another awaited period. And again with the shots, oral meds, suppositories, blood tests, and lining checks. The donor was triggered, the embryos were created, and in I went for transfer number 3. Less than two weeks later, I was officially pregnant. Again. And so it went. For the next couple of weeks life was great; we were all on cloud 9. Then one Saturday I was at lunch. As I was getting ready to leave, I felt this strange pop, and sprinted to the restroom. I was bleeding. Again. Making the call to the dads to tell them the bad news was one of my worst days. I felt like a failure. Again. A call was made to our clinic and they said to come in on Monday for an ultrasound to confirm. We sat in silence and tears while we waited to be called back. In went the ultrasound wand and the screen lit up. I couldn’t look. The doctor said, ‘Well….This is interesting. Not only did you NOT miscarry, see these two rings? You are having TWINS!!!’ More tears, but the happiest tears this time.

This is where I would love to tell you that it was smooth sailing from here, that there were no other complications and we all lived happily ever after. Close, but not quite. Until I was 10 weeks pregnant- the entire time I remained on the drug protocol- I was hemorrhaging at least once a week. Each time I was taken in for an ultrasound and each time I was cleared. The babies were growing big and strong, though there was always blood visible on the scan, it was not impeding their growth and they looked great. At week 10 I asked one of the doctors if I could forego the last two weeks of my meds. I truly felt there was a correlation between the bleeding and the shots. I was told that I could, but prior to officially stopping, I discussed my theory and proposal with the dads. They agreed and I stopped. So did the bleeding. On August 15th, 2014 (two years from the start of it all), I gave birth via an uneventful c-section to two incredibly healthy boys, weighing in at 5lbs 3oz and 6lbs 12oz. They were so healthy, in fact, that they left the hospital the next day…And on they went to live happily ever after.

With this new couple, I experienced some different hurdles leading up to the baby I am now carrying. We knew going into this agreement that any embryos produced were going to be genetically tested prior to their transfer to me, so there were some added elements (more spinning plates, if you will) to our timeline. This in and of itself was not a big deal at all. What was a big deal was the 6-month quarantine for my tattoos and vacation to Zika-containing locations, the discovery first of cysts on my ovaries (setting us back a couple of months while we waited for them to shrink), and then what was thought to be polyps in my uterus (and the subsequent surgery to remove them). We then had to wait for my period and run through a mock cycle of meds- complete with blood tests and lining checks- to make sure my body would respond appropriately. In the background of all of this mess, the donor was triggered, 9 eggs were viable, 5 embryos were created and graded, 3 were sent off for genetic testing, and 2 came back healthy and were put on ice. Ready and waiting. Perfect, right? Not so much. Evidently the bank holding the embryos had additional testing requirements that pushed the transfer date back even further. Remember what I said about waiting? But after everything- including the shots, oral meds, suppositories, blood tests, and lining checks– here we are today. The transfer was completed, I had 48 hours of complete bed rest, and now I am pregnant and they are expecting this sweet little baby, due March 5, 2019. So stay tuned while my family grows another…

16 weeks…

With the rise in celebrities publicizing the addition of babies to their families via a ‘surrogate’, there has been a subsequent addition of the topic to mainstream media. No longer is it taboo to explore non-traditional options, to be part of them, and to discuss them publicly. While many celebs have been open about their fertility and journey to expanding their families- Kim K, Sarah Jessica Parker, Giuliana Rancic, others quietly welcome their new babies and discuss their involvement of a carrier after delivery- Tyra, Nicole Kidman, Ellen Pompeo. There is no right or wrong way to do it, and no one reason, but privacy for their own family and the carrier, plus nerves attributed to past difficulties/losses, often come into play and shape the way the pregnancy is shared. Like all things celeb newsworthy, trying to decipher which details are fact and which are fiction can seem futile. And because the topic is becoming more widely discussed, people are quicker to, and more comfortable with, asking questions- both high level and specific- and sometimes even intimate and personal. Here are some common questions and myths I hear as my bump becomes more evident…

• ‘Surrogate’ and ‘Gestational Carrier/Surrogate’ used interchangeably: A surrogate is a woman who carries a baby for another family using donor sperm (from the intended father or a bank donor), and her own egg. The baby is genetically related to her. A gestational carrier/surrogate is a woman who carries a baby for another family using a donor sperm AND egg (from the intended parents or donors). The embryo is created and implanted (or transferred) into the carrier.
• Gestational Carriers make a LOT of money: While carriers are compensated for the pregnancy, the amount is really paid for a commitment of at least a year from beginning to end when factoring in all of the testing and legal that goes into the process before you even get pregnant (never mind the healing after delivery).
• Anyone can be a gestational carrier: In order to be a GC, you must (typically) be between ages 19-42, in good health and STD-free, have a psych eval, and have children of your own.
• Gestational Carriers have sex with the intended fathers: Yes. You read that correctly, and I have been asked that more times than you would believe. But no, no babies are created in the Biblical sense when you are a GC.
• Using a GC is only for the rich and famous: While it is not cheap by any means, families from all walks of life use carriers to expand their families. Some save for years prior to opting for the carrier process, some receive assistance from family, friends, and GoFundME fundraisers, and others pay on their own as they go.
• Gestational Carriers and Intended Parents MUST use an agency: Like adoption, carriers and parents-to-be can also find each other via private avenues, but would want to be sure to follow the same structure and parameters regarding blood tests, psych evals, OB clearance, and legal.
• Women who carry develop an emotional attachment to the baby: I am not saying it NEVER happens, but GCs know going into this process that the baby is not ours, and though we wholly care for it and protect it, it is with a bit of emotional detachment you would not have with a baby of your own.
• Being a Gestational Carrier is easy and just like being pregnant with your own child: While women who choose to be GCs tend to have uncomplicated, ‘easy’, pregnancies (why the heck else would we do it?), it is still a pregnancy (which always comes with potential risks). And you treat the pregnancy differently in the sense that you are always cognizant that you are carrying some else’s baby. You may even be contractually obligated to do- or not to do- things you would otherwise do if pregnant with your own. For example- I am contractually banned from traveling to any states or countries where the Zika virus can be contracted, and have been since June of 2017 for the baby I am currently carrying.

Have I missed anything? Are there any other myths I can validate or debunk for you? Let me know! And be sure to stay tuned while my family grows another…

*Note- The ohio grown by RESCUEDrustics onesie is available as a custom onesie at www.etsy.com/shop/RESCUEDrustics

15 weeks…

The 1st time I carried, my kids were only 8 and 9. I did not tell them I was pregnant until I was further along- I believe 12 weeks. This decision was not made lightly, and I am glad I chose to wait as things were a little rocky with that pregnancy early on. After the loss of the baby from the 1st cycle, a donor-failed 2nd cycle, and constant bleeding the the 3rd cycle (pregnancy) for the first 10 weeks (ultimately the twins), I felt it better to wait until we were somewhat ‘in the clear’ before involving them, so I waited…

Prior to telling them on the day I did, I told their dad (who I am divorced from, but have a solid relationship with), as I knew I would need his support and assistance with their undoubted questions in the coming months. He, of course, had questions of his own- much like so many others I get. After he left, I sat the kids down and read a children’s book about being a Gestational Carrier with them-  The Kangaroo Pouch by Sarah Phillips Pellett- appropriately with a kangaroo as the GC.

They had some questions- kids are so intuitive– but at that age they often take things at face value, at least initially. At this time, I also told the kids that the babies we were growing were going to have 2 dads, but that I still wasn’t going to be their mom. This opened great dialogue about how all families look different, and that family is who you choose to love. At this point, I did not share the pregnancy publicly, so it was crucial my kids understood that for a bit, we were going to keep it private. I knew I was charging my young kids with a big responsibility: Go forth and be prepared to answer questions about, and advocate topics not widely understood…But if anyone was up for the challenge, it was Lillian (14) & Julian (12).

Over the next few months, I thoroughly enjoyed listening to the kids answer questions from family, friends, teachers, and peers. They both put their own unique spin on our journey, and borrowing a handful of cringy moments (I had to stop myself from jumping in), they were the perfect ambassadors. So how would they describe the experience? Rather than putting words in their mouths, let’s ask them…

Do you remember what your initial thoughts were when I told you I was carrying a baby for someone else the first time?

L: I don’t remember much because I was very young, but I did- and still do- find it amazing. I was definitely excited!

J: When I first heard, I was a little excited, but a little confused at the same time. I knew we were helping someone, but I guess I didn’t really know why.

What were your thoughts on the twins having two dads?

L: I didn’t really have thoughts on it. To me they were just two nice men wanting to raise a child. The sexuality doesn’t matter.

J: I hadn’t really been introduced to that idea, so I thought it was a little strange, but was still open to the idea.

What did you think your friends/teachers/peers would think?

L: I thought that everyone would find it just as cool and amazing as I did.

J: I thought they would have around my same thoughts.

What DID they think? Do you remember any specific conversations that stood out?

L: As I suspected, my friends found the whole thing to be super cool once they knew what it was. They didn’t know at first and I got to explain it to them.

J: They thought it was cool, and they understood why, like I thought they would.

How did you feel during the first pregnancy? Did you feel like there were things I/you/we missed out on because I was pregnant?

L: Absolutely NOT! We still went out to eat, went to the movies, played with the dogs. There wasn’t a very noticeable difference; we still had family time.

J: We were limited on vacation areas, and pushing in the pool, but it felt like you made plenty of time for us.

What did you think of being at the 3-D ultrasound and seeing the twins when they were born?

L: It was one of the coolest things I had ever seen. Seeing the babies was such a surreal experience and I loved every second of it!

J: It was interesting to see because I hadn’t seen anything like it before.

Are you happy you got to see the boys when they were 6 months old? 

L: Yes, it was really amazing because they were like family to me. They are part of the family.

J: Yes, because I got to see them when they were born, and how much they had grown in 6 months. Also checking on them was nice.

What were your thoughts when I asked you about me carrying again?

L: I was excited. I fully support this decision and I’m excited to watch our family grow with this baby, just like with the twins.

J: I was excited, and was more open to it than ever.

How is this time different?

L: This time I am in show choir. With my schedule, along with Julian’s, being so full, the experience is a tad different. Not worse, by any means, but definitely different.

J: This time we already know what to expect, so everything is less of a surprise.

What would you say to a family considering carrying for another?

L: Go for it!! Take a leap of faith, have an adventure; you won’t regret it! Plus, you’ll be growing a family and you’ll make someone very happy!

J: I would tell them it is very cool, and people should definitely give it a go!

So there you have it; our GC journey in the words of my own kids. Stay tuned while our family grows another…

14 weeks…

Right before I officially signed on the dotted line to carry again last June, I got several new tattoos- and two in as many days, to be exact. See, I knew what I was up against in the coming year- a long process- from Zika and communicable disease testing and quarantine for 6 months, to up to 3 cycles of shots and embryo transfers, to the actual pregnancy itself…And I carry babies forEVER (I even carried the twins to 38 weeks, 3 days, and could have gone longer). A few days after my second tattoo that week, I left for 10 days and traveled Haiti, Puerto Rico, and St Maarten for one last hurrah with MY family before we officially started growing another. And with that, I temporarily traded in my love affair with tattoo needles for a new (and much less artistic) relationship with hypodermic needles…

…FIFTY-ONE of them, to be exact. Plus birth control, antibiotics, steroids, daily baby aspirin, 172 suppositories (you don’t even want to know), 127 abdominal patches, and countless blood draws (for the aforementioned communicable disease testing, hormone level checks, and pregnancy confirmation)…All just for ONE cycle, ONE attempt. And we were very lucky because we had a successful embryo transfer on the first try!

Getting pregnant with a baby that is not genetically yours (and sustaining that pregnancy) is not magic, but it is damn close. It is science, it is fascinating, and it is exact. The medicine protocol must be followed to the letter, so attention to detail is crucial, and can feel overwhelming, intimidating, and even suffocating at times (travel and vacation are particularly interesting).

With this process, cycle, and pregnancy, I included my kids from minute one. As a matter of fact, I asked them for their input and go-ahead before signing on to carry again. With them being in-the-know, I was able to freely excuse myself to take/inject whatever medicine I needed at the time…and occasionally my intense med schedule interrupted time at the pool, meals, movies, etc. Because I did not tell them about the twins until I was further along, I did not have this luxury, which was an added stress in my days. And in one terrifying moment, my son- Julian- walked in on me doing my progesterone shot. Thank goodness he was only 8 and not overly curious about what I was doing. Plus, I certainly came up with a super reasonable explanation for the needle in my back.

To manage the med schedule, I created an interactive spreadsheet that allowed me to see- at a glance- what I needed to do at what time of day, as well as track my weight. This system also made my life easier when traveling, because I could quickly count out the number of needles/patches/suppositories/pills I would need for the duration I would be gone. I also continue to use a traditional daily pill sorter/organizer to hold my oral meds- pre-nates, pro-biotic, aspirin, and now my thyroid meds.

If a day in the life of a carrier is intense when it comes to the medicine protocol, the toll those meds and that process take on your body and mind is just as much so. To begin, with daily morning and afternoon shots, you cannot have aversion to needles, a low pain tolerance, or a weak stomach. Finding creative ways to ease the pain of the injections is a must (the needle is large and the progesterone can hurt because it is in peanut oil and is subsequently thick). I found that massaging the area immediately after, alternating sides of my body, and going to the gym or practicing yoga all helped. Even today, 14 weeks in, I still have a pea-sized lump on the lower right side of my back, and a bit of numbness on each hip. And of course, the increase of progesterone and estrogen in your body can cause mood swings, so be nice and warn your family, friends, and colleagues. All of these efforts are well worth it- and eternally rewarding- when you see your intended parents hold their shiny new baby, or two. So if you can handle the medicine protocol- and all that comes with it- stay tuned while my family grows another…

 

Thirteen weeks…

Typically, the first question I get when people find out I am carrying a baby for someone else is if I know the couple- are they family, friends, friends of friends, etc? The short answer is ‘no.’ As a matter of fact, it could be weeks- months even- before you ever meet the couple- the Intended Parents (IP)- in person. So how does this work, then; how do you get paired? My reply: It’s like a dating app.

When you first sign on to be a gestational carrier, you have a phone interview and fill out a lengthy questionnaire, asking anything and everything you would never want to talk about in front of your parents. Personal likes/dislikes, medical/genetic history, family life, drug/alcohol use, beliefs on selective reduction, what type of relationship you want with the family you carry for- no question is off the table. You are also asked to submit photos of yourself, some of just your face, and some full-body…No filters allowed, ladies, so find some good lighting and practice those angles! Everything is cataloged into the agency system, psych evals are conducted on you and your partner, and then the swiping (and courting) commence. Intended parents can scroll through and view potential carriers, and make selections based on physical traits and profile content…See what I mean with the dating app comparison?

A ‘swipe right’ (not REALLY, but just play along, please) can lead to a first date via phone. The intended parents and GC are able to ask each other questions with prompting and assistance from an agency associate. If distance permits and a match seems likely, you can meet in person. Both times I carried, the couple I ended up paired with was actually my second couple…but more on that later.

I should note that the final decision on who you carry for can ultimately be yours. If a family likes you, it is your right to accept or decline. Once a match is official, phone numbers and emails are exchanged so you can freely communicate with your intended parents if you both choose. But the background work, the interview, and the pairing you have gone through so far are just the beginning; some would say the EASY part. Next comes the tedious part, and then the hard part…And I’m not talking about growing a human or two. So hang on, ladies. If I haven’t lost you yet, stay tuned while my family grows another…